What is Empathy... a drunk rambling by Amy at 5 in the morning because she can't sleep because of assholes...

I no longer fear the future… I don’t fear time or space… what I fear is the collective group of people that occupy that time and space.  My whole life has been about learning the truth… however painful it may have been… and the first half of my life was hiding that.  Afraid that people wouldn’t understand and therefor would not like me… well, in all honesty, if more people really knew me… knew the words that I push down deep on a regular basis… well, they wouldn’t like me, and I don’t give a fuck.  I don’t give a fuck about what they think of me… I’m just too damn tired to fight that fire that is stoked by someone who couldn’t get it lit really so they threw some gasoline on it while it was smoldering… sounds like a great idea until it blows you mustache or eyebrows off… I’m a real good liar… unless you know me… and I mean, really know me… then, my defense is broken, and I got nothing.  I have no line to keep you from tearing me down except the truth-which I have spent my whole life convoluting and now, I can’t tell fact from fiction.  I’m literally having to re-learn how to fucking tell the truth.  Ain’t that some shit.  Ain’t that a fucking way to go at almost 45 years old.  Why now?  Why try and change the game plan now?  Well, I’ll tell you… I have nothing physical left to give… I thought I’d have to give up my career because I’d realize that I hated it… not even close… I had to give it up because it was physically impossible… my symptoms, after much research, all led to one place… you can’t stand for 14 hours a day… either you sit or you have surgery which causes a lack of control over the muscles in your feet so you fall and hurt yourself in a new and exciting way… losing feeling in a finger is about as exciting as this girl can emotionally manage… I can’t fucking use chopsticks anymore, I can’t type the letters o, l, or p without stopping to think about how to control my finger… it’s literally fucking ridiculous.   That middle part of that sentence took me 25 seconds to type… that should have been less than a second.  I’ve been drinking and I know that’s a thing too… but sometimes it’s the only thing I can do to let my brain let go so I can think clearly…

I got pissed off earlier by a group of people who have been fed lies and are so ‘patriotic’ that they don’t care who dies as long as they get to push free commerce... what they don’t understand is that the system they are pushing for is never going to serve them… they think that because they are entrepreneurs and they are working for themselves, that they will survive anything…. Why are they fighting?  Why are they chanting while our governor is giving the tally of the number of people who died today even with the bulk of us staying home to protect them?  Because they are not in control… they are scared and weak, because life has been easy for them… for possibly the first time in their lives, someone has told them no and meant it and they can't begin to deal with it... most of us get that when we are young and we develop coping mechanisms to not lash out in anger or stupidity because what we want is stifled... we are actually taught to figure out what is important enough to get mad about and what is just us being selfish and shitty... we are taught because someone or some people cared enough about us to not placate us... to not just let us run free completely unchecked... some of us we very lucky in that aspect because we learned when to hold 'em and when to fold em'.   For some it’s been so hard that they are only wired to fight for what they need or believe and are unwilling to accept that they have broken their backs for a system that doesn’t work and they are fighting tooth and nail to prove that they are not wrong… not that the world is right, but that they are not wrong.  It’s fucking scary to be wrong.  It’s fucking scary to have faith in, not God or any other higher power, but an actual  belief system that is failing you.  It’s the first time many of them have felt anxiety that plagues a good number of people and they are like teenagers feeling it for the first time… they are acting out and they have a lot of displaced anger.  It doesn’t excuse their behavior… not by a long shot… they are adults and they should have been exposed to and learned how to deal with this kind of disappointment… but no… they probably had mommies and daddies that ‘fixed’ it every time they f’ed up… I’m not going to lie, my mommy and daddy have helped me and fixed stuff for me, but I never wanted it…. I knew I was going to have to pay for it all eventually and I just wanted to do it, learn from it, and let it be over.  I’m not mad at them… I probably would have been an entirely different human being if they hadn’t stepped in a few of those times… and you know what?  I was grateful enough to learn from it… I was humble enough to feel bad about needing the help and brave enough to learn from it… I get the feeling these privileged assholes have never felt an ounce of empathy in their lives and they honestly don’t deserve this diatribe that I’m writing… maybe it isn’t about them.  Maybe it’s about me coming to an understanding with them so I don’t hate them… I don’t want to hate anyone… I have never had that disposition…. But these (insert a bad explicative here) make me want to start a riot and set them on f’ing fire… I’m sorry.  But these self-absorbed assholes literally are the reason that people are dying.  These deaths, while some but not all of them, COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED... if our liar in chief would have acknowledged this when it began… if he had not disbanded the team that could have seen this coming and could have at least TRIED to talk some sense in to him… if he could have let go of his fragile ego for just one time and acted instead of trying to cover his ass… if he could have not blamed everyone else and just accepted that with the job that he claims gives him absolute authority also comes with the title of absolute responsibility…if he had not gaslit an entire population of millions of people, maybe all of this didn’t have to happen.. maybe we didn’t have to lose now almost 31000 people….  (fun fact - the STATE of New York has had more deaths that every other country except the COUNTRIES of Italy, Spain, and France (as of 5:18am on April 16th, 2020- i only add this date and time because after today they will have more than France and possibly Spain) and if you think this is actually a fun fact, well, i'll pray for you).  Maybe we would have lost that many people to the flu, but how many of those had the choice of a preventative vaccine that (what you’re going to say) may not have completely prevented the flu, but would have given you antibodies to fight it and survive?  How many?  All of us… a flu shot could be free at a lot of places with insurance or if you find a regular health care provider that literally gives them away for free… that’s a choice you have… people don’t have a choice with this and that is part of the reason why it hurts so badly… people don’t have the choice to fight or not (not in their fragile ego’s world anyway), so they pick a topic and lean on it like they’ve been smoking a sativa weed and did some Adderall… they have no control over what they are doing… in their minds it is total self-preservation, fight or flight and the only way they've learned to fight is to pout or scream… they picked the wrong battle and now they can’t get off the ride…

I feel sorry for them… I’m angry at them… I’m angry at the people who raised them.  I didn’t have everything growing up… when I fucked up… by God, I knew I fucked up… so much so that I learned how to fix my fuck ups before anyone knew they were actually fuck ups.  I’m not saying that’s healthy either… that’s just denying the truth too.  But at least I saw when others were fucking up and I gained some damn empathy for them…

I’ve been somewhat smart my whole life… and I used that to my evil advantage early and now I’m trying to rectify that in my “after mid-life.”  I only have so much time on this planet to ensure my karma is straight… but the thing that separates me from those assholes is that I know it, I acknowledge it, I empathize with others because of it, and I do what is right in my heart.  That’s the difference between me and them… I can finally listen to my heart and hear it talking… these guys don’t even know whether or not they actually have one… and for that, I feel very sorry for them…. I hate that for them... I don't hate them, but by god, they need a whoopin' to settle their asses down and think about what they've done.

I'm done ranting I suppose.  You can't fight with ingrained, all-your-life learned behaviors and you can't truly hate people for how they've learned what they've learned... you can't fight that pride that has been shoved down peoples' throats since this country was formed,... patriotism and nationalism are two different beasts...   but, by whomever you believe in, you can learn to ignore them.. not everyone can break that cycle and not everyone can be saved from their own fate... it may not have been there's to learn, but it was their's to decide in the end.  And once you have made that decision... well, there's usually no turning back.  

So, tl;dr: don't hate people for their ignorance... don't hate people in general... teach them the lessons they've never been taught... teach them how to struggle and teach them the the world doesn't owe them shit... but most importantly, teach them that there are, in fact, consequences to every thought, every belief, and every action that they take... and be ready to love then when they get there... allow them the salvation that most of us preach.. we can't fix the world with so many who oppose 'fixin' what ain't broke'... so it is our job to show them just how broke the world is.  not by violence or hate, but by teaching them what it's like to be on the other side... and have compassion when they get there, because for them, it's their first real sight of the real world.. they're going to be scared and confused and they are going to try and fall back on their old learned behavior.. we gotta love them through it... if we are compassionate for one we must be compassionate for all.  Otherwise, our compassion is wasted on our priviledge. 

That's all i got folks.. i can't sleep and you get the 'when my brain is completely full, it has to go somewhere'

EDIT: I think the part that is bothering me most about this is that I now work with a population who can change... and I'm find my job isn't so much about teaching them the curriculum... they'll get that if they pay attention... but sorting through the ones who have skirted by because of their parents, or their natural physical talents, and those who actually are working for their future (from whatever motivation - which is another breakdown in itself), those who just do the bare minimum because that's all that life has taught them, and those who, without help from someone who gives a shit about them, will not make it in a way that is productive and meaningful to them... it's terrifying to know that for some of these kids, you may be the only one truly paying attention to that part of their development... of course, all teachers give a damn... but after working the better part of this year, the system is set up so most of them can't take the time to figure all that out... I find myself in a unique position... in that no one really pays attention to my program, for now, and that allows me some freedom to help repair whatever is broken... some days, my main job is just to make sure these kids don't spend their day in the bathroom crying... or worse, doing some type of behavior that will harm their body or brain permanently... that's the reality folks... all those success stories you read about... came from nothing and made something of themselves... they had it in them the whole time, but more likely than not, they had someone who saw it, understood it, believed in it, and helped them believe in themselves enough to make it happen... we are not born with confidence.... we are born without fear... that is what allows us to learn... but somewhere along the way, a lot of these people learn the bad fear... the self-preservation form of fear that makes it every man for themselves... instead of the fear that keeps us humble and makes us remember that we are nothing without others.. our lives would be meaningless and and have no value without others...   by value, i mean there would be no one to share our talents. thoughts, and love with... if we are alone, we are inherently doomed for failure in the grand scheme of things...

i hope at least of few of us will always remember and be able to teach that..

that's really all this time... i'm tired and it's now almost 6am... i just couldn't sleep until i worked through that... thank you all for being my "others" and putting up with me when i need to make sense to myself more than anything else in this world... I truly love you all... unless you're protesting because you think your constitutional liberties are being trampled... then i'll tell you that i don't hate you... but I urge you to pay attention to false prophets who feed off of your fear... until you can clearly look at the situation, i'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers