What is Empathy... a drunk rambling by Amy at 5 in the morning because she can't sleep because of assholes...

I no longer fear the future… I don’t fear time or space… what I fear is the collective group of people that occupy that time and space.  My whole life has been about learning the truth… however painful it may have been… and the first half of my life was hiding that.  Afraid that people wouldn’t understand and therefor would not like me… well, in all honesty, if more people really knew me… knew the words that I push down deep on a regular basis… well, they wouldn’t like me, and I don’t give a fuck.  I don’t give a fuck about what they think of me… I’m just too damn tired to fight that fire that is stoked by someone who couldn’t get it lit really so they threw some gasoline on it while it was smoldering… sounds like a great idea until it blows you mustache or eyebrows off… I’m a real good liar… unless you know me… and I mean, really know me… then, my defense is broken, and I got nothing.  I have no line to keep you from tearing me down except the truth-which I have spent my whole life convoluting and now, I can’t tell fact from fiction.  I’m literally having to re-learn how to fucking tell the truth.  Ain’t that some shit.  Ain’t that a fucking way to go at almost 45 years old.  Why now?  Why try and change the game plan now?  Well, I’ll tell you… I have nothing physical left to give… I thought I’d have to give up my career because I’d realize that I hated it… not even close… I had to give it up because it was physically impossible… my symptoms, after much research, all led to one place… you can’t stand for 14 hours a day… either you sit or you have surgery which causes a lack of control over the muscles in your feet so you fall and hurt yourself in a new and exciting way… losing feeling in a finger is about as exciting as this girl can emotionally manage… I can’t fucking use chopsticks anymore, I can’t type the letters o, l, or p without stopping to think about how to control my finger… it’s literally fucking ridiculous.   That middle part of that sentence took me 25 seconds to type… that should have been less than a second.  I’ve been drinking and I know that’s a thing too… but sometimes it’s the only thing I can do to let my brain let go so I can think clearly…

I got pissed off earlier by a group of people who have been fed lies and are so ‘patriotic’ that they don’t care who dies as long as they get to push free commerce... what they don’t understand is that the system they are pushing for is never going to serve them… they think that because they are entrepreneurs and they are working for themselves, that they will survive anything…. Why are they fighting?  Why are they chanting while our governor is giving the tally of the number of people who died today even with the bulk of us staying home to protect them?  Because they are not in control… they are scared and weak, because life has been easy for them… for possibly the first time in their lives, someone has told them no and meant it and they can't begin to deal with it... most of us get that when we are young and we develop coping mechanisms to not lash out in anger or stupidity because what we want is stifled... we are actually taught to figure out what is important enough to get mad about and what is just us being selfish and shitty... we are taught because someone or some people cared enough about us to not placate us... to not just let us run free completely unchecked... some of us we very lucky in that aspect because we learned when to hold 'em and when to fold em'.   For some it’s been so hard that they are only wired to fight for what they need or believe and are unwilling to accept that they have broken their backs for a system that doesn’t work and they are fighting tooth and nail to prove that they are not wrong… not that the world is right, but that they are not wrong.  It’s fucking scary to be wrong.  It’s fucking scary to have faith in, not God or any other higher power, but an actual  belief system that is failing you.  It’s the first time many of them have felt anxiety that plagues a good number of people and they are like teenagers feeling it for the first time… they are acting out and they have a lot of displaced anger.  It doesn’t excuse their behavior… not by a long shot… they are adults and they should have been exposed to and learned how to deal with this kind of disappointment… but no… they probably had mommies and daddies that ‘fixed’ it every time they f’ed up… I’m not going to lie, my mommy and daddy have helped me and fixed stuff for me, but I never wanted it…. I knew I was going to have to pay for it all eventually and I just wanted to do it, learn from it, and let it be over.  I’m not mad at them… I probably would have been an entirely different human being if they hadn’t stepped in a few of those times… and you know what?  I was grateful enough to learn from it… I was humble enough to feel bad about needing the help and brave enough to learn from it… I get the feeling these privileged assholes have never felt an ounce of empathy in their lives and they honestly don’t deserve this diatribe that I’m writing… maybe it isn’t about them.  Maybe it’s about me coming to an understanding with them so I don’t hate them… I don’t want to hate anyone… I have never had that disposition…. But these (insert a bad explicative here) make me want to start a riot and set them on f’ing fire… I’m sorry.  But these self-absorbed assholes literally are the reason that people are dying.  These deaths, while some but not all of them, COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED... if our liar in chief would have acknowledged this when it began… if he had not disbanded the team that could have seen this coming and could have at least TRIED to talk some sense in to him… if he could have let go of his fragile ego for just one time and acted instead of trying to cover his ass… if he could have not blamed everyone else and just accepted that with the job that he claims gives him absolute authority also comes with the title of absolute responsibility…if he had not gaslit an entire population of millions of people, maybe all of this didn’t have to happen.. maybe we didn’t have to lose now almost 31000 people….  (fun fact - the STATE of New York has had more deaths that every other country except the COUNTRIES of Italy, Spain, and France (as of 5:18am on April 16th, 2020- i only add this date and time because after today they will have more than France and possibly Spain) and if you think this is actually a fun fact, well, i'll pray for you).  Maybe we would have lost that many people to the flu, but how many of those had the choice of a preventative vaccine that (what you’re going to say) may not have completely prevented the flu, but would have given you antibodies to fight it and survive?  How many?  All of us… a flu shot could be free at a lot of places with insurance or if you find a regular health care provider that literally gives them away for free… that’s a choice you have… people don’t have a choice with this and that is part of the reason why it hurts so badly… people don’t have the choice to fight or not (not in their fragile ego’s world anyway), so they pick a topic and lean on it like they’ve been smoking a sativa weed and did some Adderall… they have no control over what they are doing… in their minds it is total self-preservation, fight or flight and the only way they've learned to fight is to pout or scream… they picked the wrong battle and now they can’t get off the ride…

I feel sorry for them… I’m angry at them… I’m angry at the people who raised them.  I didn’t have everything growing up… when I fucked up… by God, I knew I fucked up… so much so that I learned how to fix my fuck ups before anyone knew they were actually fuck ups.  I’m not saying that’s healthy either… that’s just denying the truth too.  But at least I saw when others were fucking up and I gained some damn empathy for them…

I’ve been somewhat smart my whole life… and I used that to my evil advantage early and now I’m trying to rectify that in my “after mid-life.”  I only have so much time on this planet to ensure my karma is straight… but the thing that separates me from those assholes is that I know it, I acknowledge it, I empathize with others because of it, and I do what is right in my heart.  That’s the difference between me and them… I can finally listen to my heart and hear it talking… these guys don’t even know whether or not they actually have one… and for that, I feel very sorry for them…. I hate that for them... I don't hate them, but by god, they need a whoopin' to settle their asses down and think about what they've done.

I'm done ranting I suppose.  You can't fight with ingrained, all-your-life learned behaviors and you can't truly hate people for how they've learned what they've learned... you can't fight that pride that has been shoved down peoples' throats since this country was formed,... patriotism and nationalism are two different beasts...   but, by whomever you believe in, you can learn to ignore them.. not everyone can break that cycle and not everyone can be saved from their own fate... it may not have been there's to learn, but it was their's to decide in the end.  And once you have made that decision... well, there's usually no turning back.  

So, tl;dr: don't hate people for their ignorance... don't hate people in general... teach them the lessons they've never been taught... teach them how to struggle and teach them the the world doesn't owe them shit... but most importantly, teach them that there are, in fact, consequences to every thought, every belief, and every action that they take... and be ready to love then when they get there... allow them the salvation that most of us preach.. we can't fix the world with so many who oppose 'fixin' what ain't broke'... so it is our job to show them just how broke the world is.  not by violence or hate, but by teaching them what it's like to be on the other side... and have compassion when they get there, because for them, it's their first real sight of the real world.. they're going to be scared and confused and they are going to try and fall back on their old learned behavior.. we gotta love them through it... if we are compassionate for one we must be compassionate for all.  Otherwise, our compassion is wasted on our priviledge. 

That's all i got folks.. i can't sleep and you get the 'when my brain is completely full, it has to go somewhere'

EDIT: I think the part that is bothering me most about this is that I now work with a population who can change... and I'm find my job isn't so much about teaching them the curriculum... they'll get that if they pay attention... but sorting through the ones who have skirted by because of their parents, or their natural physical talents, and those who actually are working for their future (from whatever motivation - which is another breakdown in itself), those who just do the bare minimum because that's all that life has taught them, and those who, without help from someone who gives a shit about them, will not make it in a way that is productive and meaningful to them... it's terrifying to know that for some of these kids, you may be the only one truly paying attention to that part of their development... of course, all teachers give a damn... but after working the better part of this year, the system is set up so most of them can't take the time to figure all that out... I find myself in a unique position... in that no one really pays attention to my program, for now, and that allows me some freedom to help repair whatever is broken... some days, my main job is just to make sure these kids don't spend their day in the bathroom crying... or worse, doing some type of behavior that will harm their body or brain permanently... that's the reality folks... all those success stories you read about... came from nothing and made something of themselves... they had it in them the whole time, but more likely than not, they had someone who saw it, understood it, believed in it, and helped them believe in themselves enough to make it happen... we are not born with confidence.... we are born without fear... that is what allows us to learn... but somewhere along the way, a lot of these people learn the bad fear... the self-preservation form of fear that makes it every man for themselves... instead of the fear that keeps us humble and makes us remember that we are nothing without others.. our lives would be meaningless and and have no value without others...   by value, i mean there would be no one to share our talents. thoughts, and love with... if we are alone, we are inherently doomed for failure in the grand scheme of things...

i hope at least of few of us will always remember and be able to teach that..

that's really all this time... i'm tired and it's now almost 6am... i just couldn't sleep until i worked through that... thank you all for being my "others" and putting up with me when i need to make sense to myself more than anything else in this world... I truly love you all... unless you're protesting because you think your constitutional liberties are being trampled... then i'll tell you that i don't hate you... but I urge you to pay attention to false prophets who feed off of your fear... until you can clearly look at the situation, i'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers

Hey Y’all

Long time no see my friends. Not sure when I gave this up but I’m quite sure it was because I thought I had it all figured out. L dot O dot L. At 43, “figured out” is an exercise in self-gratification.   I remember a couple of years ago, sitting and wondering how all of this happened.  And I’ve sat back and watched even more ridiculous shit happen and I’m basically like, there is no limit to ridiculous, is there?  I chose a career path. I chose a life. A life that is more uncertain than a child who is not vaccinated. And I’ve often asked myself, what the fuck were you thinking?!?  But I always come back to “this is and has always been your life.”  There is not fixed path. There is no tomorrow.  There is only this moment. It’s ridiculous. I’ve spent the last 25 years worrying about how to manage this world. And I’ve wasted (not in vain) that time. They say money is the root of all evil. The older I get the more I know that is truth. People want to be the best. And that has a monetary moniker. I’m not the best. I’m just good. I’m inherently good. I might someday be homeless, but I did right by the people I chose to surround myself with. There is a line we cross sometimes that we feel we have to to make something happen... but that’s a mistake. But it isn’t. It’s just the only decision we know to make when we are there. If you learn, then you get it. If you gain humanity from it, you get it. If not.. it’s self serving.

I pictured myself when I was younger as that old lady bartender that everyone told their troubles to. That’s about the only look in to my future I ever had. Not sure that isn’t going to be the end game after all. But I want all of my people to stop and ask themselves why they do what they do.  If it isn’t for love and caring of your people, then it isn’t right. Yeah I said it. If you are not pushing others toward their own recognition of self worth, then you are not doing your human duty. We aren’t put here to be mindlessly successful. We are out here to teach and pass down. That’s all I know.

Love you all.

Car tires and chicken wire

Fear, My Dear... I'm afraid

Fear... It's what really drives most people.  Fear is something that is basal.  We feel it the moment we pop out of the womb.  "Where am I?  What am I doing here? Who the hell is that? Why is it so cold?"  These are basic, fundamental, fear-inducing questions that we face from day one. We need safety.  We need comfort.  We need these things inherently to move forward. We need them now. We don't know what safety and comfort really are until we've found them... rarely do we find them.

Eventually, we learn to manage fear.  We never get over it, we simply manage it.  By whatever means necessary, we attempt to control something that we are born to be unable to control.  We do this within the confines of that which does not kill us.  We act out as much as we can and piss all over any kind of moral compass.  If it feels good, do it.  Sometimes we find the things that feel too good... that encompass our minds and make us forget the fear.  And we forget for so long that when something happens to rush us back to reality, we turn in to newborns again and forget all we've learned and we are simply small little beings who are afraid of everything.

Then, we must re-learn how to manage the fear.  But this time, it has to be different.  It has to be fool-proof.  We can't go back to fear... not like this.  Our entire life is made up of cycles of time where we learn the wrong way to deal with fear and then it comes screaming back and then we have to learn a new wrong way... the cycle is never ending.

Why the psychology lesson?

No matter what you do in life, you are always going to be afraid of something.  You try.  You fail.  You try again.  You fail again.  My message here is one that I wish I could convey to myself.  And that message is this:  odds are good, you are going to fail.  Odds are good, you'll never escape fear on every level.  Odds are good, if you don't try, you'll never succeed. Odds are good, if you let fear run your life, you will never be able to truly live.

Take the chance. Put the emotion away and think with rationale.  Assess the risks, but don't let risks rule your brain.  Yeah, you usually have a 50/50 shot.  You either win or you lose.  And if you lose, you try again... but, if you should happen to be lucky enough to win... well, then you can look fear in the face for at least a few fleeting seconds and say, "hey, fuck you."

Judgement Day

I was dreamin' when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray...
But when I woke up this morning
I could have sworn it was judgement day...

Picture it: Late February 2010

I'm sitting at my desk doing whatever it was that I was doing and thinking to myself, "I don't want to do this anymore."  My horoscope that morning basically said something like, "today is the day to do what you are supposed to do."  It was a pretty low time in my life.  Things were rough at home, at work, in my head, and in my heart.  I felt defeated and angry because I had let myself be defeated.  Angry... that doesn't even begin to describe the level of rage that I had piled up inside myself.  I was so unhappy with everything and really felt like there was never going to be an answer.

So, I re-read my horoscope-again and again and again.  I had never really thought about what I was 'supposed' to do... not in a spiritual sense, not in a 'taking care of me' sense.  My whole life had been about taking care of (or at least trying to take care of) others.  But I knew the time had come to try and put me first.  It was a foreign concept to me  but one that I had decided must be figured out.  I spent quite a long time online that day just looking at different stuff, random stuff. And then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught an ad on a site that I was on advertising a culinary school.  I had this dream when I first got out of high school that I wanted to do that then, but circumstances just never panned out for it.  I hadn't really considered it an option since that time... but something clicked when I saw that ad.  I actually smiled.  Sitting alone, at my desk, in my office, I smiled.  I knew that was it.

So, I went to a couple of different sites and looked at the programs that were available.  I knew there was a program locally at Sullivan, but I didn't really know much about it.  I did some research and found out that it was a pretty decent program.  That day, I submitted an online request for more information... as I filled out the form and got all my info in, my heart kinda skipped a beat as I clicked the submit button.  Was I scared?  Was I excited?  I'm not really sure to this day what that emotion was really, but whatever it was, it made me feel alive again.

Later that night, I was sitting at the Pub (pretty sure it was a Tuesday, but back then, it would be hard to prove) and I got this phone call from a number I didn't know... so I of course didn't answer it.  But then I got a voice mail from a person from Sullivan responding to my request for information.  I really didn't know what to do.  Somebody ACTUALLY called me back and I was almost not really prepared for that.  So, I picked up my phone, went outside, and called her back.  After a short conversation, I had an appointment to take a tour.  The tour led to paperwork, student loans, and gear fitting.  This was happening.  I was going to culinary school.

I remember only specific moments about the last two and a half years... You can get bogged down in the details of memories if you aren't careful.  But the memories I remember the most are as powerful to me today as they were when they were made.  I remember the final in my first basic skills class...I remember being so nervous I almost puked before it started. I remember that I was the only one to get done on time and it was decent.  I remember walking out to my car after it was over and crying like a baby for about 15 minutes because I was so happy.  I remember a week later when I had my one on one meeting with my chef instructor to go over the results of my final and when it was over and I passed, I remember specifically him saying, "looks like you found what you're supposed to do."  I had found it and I knew it.

Fast forward 27 months and here I am today, getting ready to take my last practical exam for the last class I need to complete my degree... that's right, after today, I've completed what I set out to do 31 months ago.  I will have actually completed my education for something that I actually love to do.  I'm going to graduate...

This road hasn't been easy... the toll it has taken is apparent when you look at where I was then and where I am now.  But the prices paid for it all, well, they were prices that needed to be paid I suppose.  I ran across a quote not too long ago (well, someone else ran across it and shared it with me) that said, "find what you love and let it kill you."  I feel like some moments during all of this almost did... but here I am, about to be on the other side of it and I'm stronger and happier than I have ever been.  I am happier than I've ever been because I'm not happy for somebody else... I am happy for me...

I AM HAPPY FOR ME!

So, when I finish this final tonight and I go out to my car and undoubtedly sob uncontrollably for fifteen minutes, I will know that no matter what the outcome, I put everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I had into this thing and I have no regrets and no fear about my future. The universe has gotten me this far... I have no doubt it will take me exactly where I need to go when I need to go there.


So, if perchance you see me tonight and you see me smiling, you'll now know why...  You'll know that for one actual time in my life, I followed through... I found what I love and I'm going to let it kill me and I couldn't be happier.

See ya on the other side!

This Place...

This place is just a place
Sitting between time and space
And these words are only words
Sitting between mind and soul
We will never understand the path
Twisted and turned
Too many familiar landscapes
To make heads or tails of where you've been
It is because every turn we take
Is a one way street to a place
We've never been
Every road sign is only painted
On one side

Trying to go backward
This is not strength
This is fear of foraging in the unknown

Time and space live together
But can never understand one another
They were never meant to
One occupies the other
But they never touch
A balance you should understand
When walking between
Your mind and soul...

Is it just me...

Or does it freak anybody else out when your dog falls completely asleep with their eyes wide open?  I couldn't even get a picture because it bothered me to look at it... but seriously???

They are all just things...

Just got home from Gatlinburg a couple of hours ago... annual 'Ski' trip.  Home to a house that is a mess, to no dogs, to just me.  This weekend was a little bittersweet for me.  A whole lot has happened since the last trip.  Some bad things, some sad things, some undefinable things, but also some very good things.  Pretty sure I don't need to go through the laundry list, but the time period when I get back from the Smokies always seems to be a time of reflection for me.  I don't know why.  Maybe it is because I don't get to see everyone as much as I should and I am reminded of that by means of megadose.  Maybe it's because I consume more alcohol in one weekend than I do in a month's time.  Maybe it's because I am reminded of days gone by and sometimes I feel like I want them back.  Or maybe it's because I know I should never have those days back.

But, I always get to see people that have left such an amazing impact on my life that it always helps me put things in perspective.  Through the better part of the second half of 2011 and especially now in 2012, I am reminded that the things that I have and the things that have happened to me (things I have caused and things that I have no control over) are all just things.  They come, they go.  Memories fade, things break, and wounds heal. 

The one thing that never goes away is love.  Love of friends, love of family, love of the people that made you who you are... and love of the people who still love you in spite of yourself. 

Throughout my life, I've always felt a sense of confusion.  Most emotions never made any sense to me.  I was never good with them... understanding them, expressing them, dealing with them.  My initial reaction to emotions that I felt was a complete over-reaction in the completely opposite direction.  Or, I would overcompensate for lack of emotion by finding more things to get or things to do.  Or, even worse, I would just shut down.  Afraid that I would appear weak.  Afraid that I would appear vulnerable.  Afraid that I would be seen as the frail person that I always felt like I was on the inside.  This was my self-inflicted curse.  I did this to me.  I have blamed everyone in one way or another for this problem except the person that needed to be blamed... me.

I feel fortunate that I've made it 36 years and I still have the people in my life that are still with me.  I feel sadness that I lost some, but I don't think I could have salvaged those relationships no matter how hard I would have tried.  I feel warmth that I have found some people again that I thought were lost for good.  It helps me know that I wasn't so bad that I couldn't be forgiven... that I have a good enough heart for people to look past the 'things.'

As I start another new journey in my life, I constantly remind myself of all that I have.  None of the material things, none of the pain (self-inflicted and otherwise), none of the bad memories... these are all just things... they could all be gone tomorrow.  I remind myself of the love of the people who have been willing to share their lives with me and who have been so gracious as to allow me to share mine with them... this love can't be taken away.  This is what life is really all about.  This is why I am here.

peace