I was dreamin' when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray...
But when I woke up this morning
I could have sworn it was judgement day...
Picture it: Late February 2010
I'm sitting at my desk doing whatever it was that I was doing and thinking to myself, "I don't want to do this anymore." My horoscope that morning basically said something like, "today is the day to do what you are supposed to do." It was a pretty low time in my life. Things were rough at home, at work, in my head, and in my heart. I felt defeated and angry because I had let myself be defeated. Angry... that doesn't even begin to describe the level of rage that I had piled up inside myself. I was so unhappy with everything and really felt like there was never going to be an answer.
So, I re-read my horoscope-again and again and again. I had never really thought about what I was 'supposed' to do... not in a spiritual sense, not in a 'taking care of me' sense. My whole life had been about taking care of (or at least trying to take care of) others. But I knew the time had come to try and put me first. It was a foreign concept to me but one that I had decided must be figured out. I spent quite a long time online that day just looking at different stuff, random stuff. And then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught an ad on a site that I was on advertising a culinary school. I had this dream when I first got out of high school that I wanted to do that then, but circumstances just never panned out for it. I hadn't really considered it an option since that time... but something clicked when I saw that ad. I actually smiled. Sitting alone, at my desk, in my office, I smiled. I knew that was it.
So, I went to a couple of different sites and looked at the programs that were available. I knew there was a program locally at Sullivan, but I didn't really know much about it. I did some research and found out that it was a pretty decent program. That day, I submitted an online request for more information... as I filled out the form and got all my info in, my heart kinda skipped a beat as I clicked the submit button. Was I scared? Was I excited? I'm not really sure to this day what that emotion was really, but whatever it was, it made me feel alive again.
Later that night, I was sitting at the Pub (pretty sure it was a Tuesday, but back then, it would be hard to prove) and I got this phone call from a number I didn't know... so I of course didn't answer it. But then I got a voice mail from a person from Sullivan responding to my request for information. I really didn't know what to do. Somebody ACTUALLY called me back and I was almost not really prepared for that. So, I picked up my phone, went outside, and called her back. After a short conversation, I had an appointment to take a tour. The tour led to paperwork, student loans, and gear fitting. This was happening. I was going to culinary school.
I remember only specific moments about the last two and a half years... You can get bogged down in the details of memories if you aren't careful. But the memories I remember the most are as powerful to me today as they were when they were made. I remember the final in my first basic skills class...I remember being so nervous I almost puked before it started. I remember that I was the only one to get done on time and it was decent. I remember walking out to my car after it was over and crying like a baby for about 15 minutes because I was so happy. I remember a week later when I had my one on one meeting with my chef instructor to go over the results of my final and when it was over and I passed, I remember specifically him saying, "looks like you found what you're supposed to do." I had found it and I knew it.
Fast forward 27 months and here I am today, getting ready to take my last practical exam for the last class I need to complete my degree... that's right, after today, I've completed what I set out to do 31 months ago. I will have actually completed my education for something that I actually love to do. I'm going to graduate...
This road hasn't been easy... the toll it has taken is apparent when you look at where I was then and where I am now. But the prices paid for it all, well, they were prices that needed to be paid I suppose. I ran across a quote not too long ago (well, someone else ran across it and shared it with me) that said, "find what you love and let it kill you." I feel like some moments during all of this almost did... but here I am, about to be on the other side of it and I'm stronger and happier than I have ever been. I am happier than I've ever been because I'm not happy for somebody else... I am happy for me...
I AM HAPPY FOR ME!
So, when I finish this final tonight and I go out to my car and undoubtedly sob uncontrollably for fifteen minutes, I will know that no matter what the outcome, I put everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I had into this thing and I have no regrets and no fear about my future. The universe has gotten me this far... I have no doubt it will take me exactly where I need to go when I need to go there.
So, if perchance you see me tonight and you see me smiling, you'll now know why... You'll know that for one actual time in my life, I followed through... I found what I love and I'm going to let it kill me and I couldn't be happier.
See ya on the other side!
