I wonder...

It seems like lately I have been regressing... and not in a good way.  I've been running too hard, saying too much, neglecting my responsibilities, and just generally being a douche.  I'm not good at being alone.  I like the freedom of living alone, but I'm SO not good at it.  The brain starts rolling, the mind goes places it should never have returned to, and my soul is severely missing some peace.  Is it possible to stop a tailspin before it happens?  If I know I'm doing it, can I fix it?  Or is it who I am?  I certainly can't switch off my brain.  It just isn't possible.  I have been trying for the better part of my adult life to figure out how and all I can say is "EPIC FAIL".  Everything I think of reminds me of something else... usually something painful and usually of my own doing.  I am supposed to be learning how to improve myself and I can't stop living in the past.  Until that happens, I doubt there will be any peace.  Then comes the anxiety of knowing that all of this is happening and not being able to stop it - which only compounds the problem. 

But, if I go out and try to not spend time alone, I do stupid things that I know better than to do and then I feel bad about that.  I apparently have not one shred of self-control.  I think I need to go somewhere where there aren't any people... maybe for a month or so and just have it out with my head... have all the arguments, think all the thoughts, sit in silence and decide if I am going to win, or if this world is going to kick my ass.  As it stands right now, the score is The World 10, My Ass 0.

I'm usually very private about issues like this, but I have recently realized that being private means not talking, and not talking means it stays in my head.  If I know one thing for sure, there is no more fucking room in my head, so if you read this blog, you might want to get used to this... this stuff in my head is like a nose full of snot... if it doesn't come out, I think I'll suffocate.

Exposure
To hurt. To criticism. To rejection.
This is the fear that breaks me

I long to live beyond that
To become the body which
Lives within my soul

Such uncharted waters are these
Too long neglected
Too deeply buried in a sea of doubt

All the dreams have been crushed
Under an unyielding pressure
Placed upon my head

For just one moment,
I long to breathe again
Freely, as I once believed I could

I seem to feel a pulse returning
To my once shattered heart
Softly pounding as if to whisper, "hello?"

I wonder if anybody's home
To answer the faint call
Unafraid of opening that door again

Feeling the elements that surround
and breathing the fresh air
That the world outside so readily offers

To be exposed...