Sunday, February 12, 2012
Is it just me...
Or does it freak anybody else out when your dog falls completely asleep with their eyes wide open? I couldn't even get a picture because it bothered me to look at it... but seriously???
Monday, February 06, 2012
They are all just things...
Just got home from Gatlinburg a couple of hours ago... annual 'Ski' trip. Home to a house that is a mess, to no dogs, to just me. This weekend was a little bittersweet for me. A whole lot has happened since the last trip. Some bad things, some sad things, some undefinable things, but also some very good things. Pretty sure I don't need to go through the laundry list, but the time period when I get back from the Smokies always seems to be a time of reflection for me. I don't know why. Maybe it is because I don't get to see everyone as much as I should and I am reminded of that by means of megadose. Maybe it's because I consume more alcohol in one weekend than I do in a month's time. Maybe it's because I am reminded of days gone by and sometimes I feel like I want them back. Or maybe it's because I know I should never have those days back.
But, I always get to see people that have left such an amazing impact on my life that it always helps me put things in perspective. Through the better part of the second half of 2011 and especially now in 2012, I am reminded that the things that I have and the things that have happened to me (things I have caused and things that I have no control over) are all just things. They come, they go. Memories fade, things break, and wounds heal.
The one thing that never goes away is love. Love of friends, love of family, love of the people that made you who you are... and love of the people who still love you in spite of yourself.
Throughout my life, I've always felt a sense of confusion. Most emotions never made any sense to me. I was never good with them... understanding them, expressing them, dealing with them. My initial reaction to emotions that I felt was a complete over-reaction in the completely opposite direction. Or, I would overcompensate for lack of emotion by finding more things to get or things to do. Or, even worse, I would just shut down. Afraid that I would appear weak. Afraid that I would appear vulnerable. Afraid that I would be seen as the frail person that I always felt like I was on the inside. This was my self-inflicted curse. I did this to me. I have blamed everyone in one way or another for this problem except the person that needed to be blamed... me.
I feel fortunate that I've made it 36 years and I still have the people in my life that are still with me. I feel sadness that I lost some, but I don't think I could have salvaged those relationships no matter how hard I would have tried. I feel warmth that I have found some people again that I thought were lost for good. It helps me know that I wasn't so bad that I couldn't be forgiven... that I have a good enough heart for people to look past the 'things.'
As I start another new journey in my life, I constantly remind myself of all that I have. None of the material things, none of the pain (self-inflicted and otherwise), none of the bad memories... these are all just things... they could all be gone tomorrow. I remind myself of the love of the people who have been willing to share their lives with me and who have been so gracious as to allow me to share mine with them... this love can't be taken away. This is what life is really all about. This is why I am here.
peace
But, I always get to see people that have left such an amazing impact on my life that it always helps me put things in perspective. Through the better part of the second half of 2011 and especially now in 2012, I am reminded that the things that I have and the things that have happened to me (things I have caused and things that I have no control over) are all just things. They come, they go. Memories fade, things break, and wounds heal.
The one thing that never goes away is love. Love of friends, love of family, love of the people that made you who you are... and love of the people who still love you in spite of yourself.
Throughout my life, I've always felt a sense of confusion. Most emotions never made any sense to me. I was never good with them... understanding them, expressing them, dealing with them. My initial reaction to emotions that I felt was a complete over-reaction in the completely opposite direction. Or, I would overcompensate for lack of emotion by finding more things to get or things to do. Or, even worse, I would just shut down. Afraid that I would appear weak. Afraid that I would appear vulnerable. Afraid that I would be seen as the frail person that I always felt like I was on the inside. This was my self-inflicted curse. I did this to me. I have blamed everyone in one way or another for this problem except the person that needed to be blamed... me.
I feel fortunate that I've made it 36 years and I still have the people in my life that are still with me. I feel sadness that I lost some, but I don't think I could have salvaged those relationships no matter how hard I would have tried. I feel warmth that I have found some people again that I thought were lost for good. It helps me know that I wasn't so bad that I couldn't be forgiven... that I have a good enough heart for people to look past the 'things.'
As I start another new journey in my life, I constantly remind myself of all that I have. None of the material things, none of the pain (self-inflicted and otherwise), none of the bad memories... these are all just things... they could all be gone tomorrow. I remind myself of the love of the people who have been willing to share their lives with me and who have been so gracious as to allow me to share mine with them... this love can't be taken away. This is what life is really all about. This is why I am here.
peace
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