It seems like lately I have been regressing... and not in a good way. I've been running too hard, saying too much, neglecting my responsibilities, and just generally being a douche. I'm not good at being alone. I like the freedom of living alone, but I'm SO not good at it. The brain starts rolling, the mind goes places it should never have returned to, and my soul is severely missing some peace. Is it possible to stop a tailspin before it happens? If I know I'm doing it, can I fix it? Or is it who I am? I certainly can't switch off my brain. It just isn't possible. I have been trying for the better part of my adult life to figure out how and all I can say is "EPIC FAIL". Everything I think of reminds me of something else... usually something painful and usually of my own doing. I am supposed to be learning how to improve myself and I can't stop living in the past. Until that happens, I doubt there will be any peace. Then comes the anxiety of knowing that all of this is happening and not being able to stop it - which only compounds the problem.
But, if I go out and try to not spend time alone, I do stupid things that I know better than to do and then I feel bad about that. I apparently have not one shred of self-control. I think I need to go somewhere where there aren't any people... maybe for a month or so and just have it out with my head... have all the arguments, think all the thoughts, sit in silence and decide if I am going to win, or if this world is going to kick my ass. As it stands right now, the score is The World 10, My Ass 0.
I'm usually very private about issues like this, but I have recently realized that being private means not talking, and not talking means it stays in my head. If I know one thing for sure, there is no more fucking room in my head, so if you read this blog, you might want to get used to this... this stuff in my head is like a nose full of snot... if it doesn't come out, I think I'll suffocate.
4 comments:
First things first, You aren't alone in this head battle. We are all warriors in our own kind of mental war. The key is not to forget the past, but to use it in a different way. One of my favorite movie quotes is, " Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you become." Think of those past misdeeds as stepping stones and launch yourself into a new perspective and create a new way of doing and veiwing things.
(fist bump)
If you figure out how to shut your brain up, TELL ME.
I remember reality television used to work pretty good for me but it also made me stupid and angry.
I like Megan's advice... your past can be a benefit to who you are in the present or an anchor to who you'll be in the future.
If it's any consolation, I like you even when you're going crazy. Xoxo.
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