Cosmically Connected

(It All Comes Down to Toilet Paper)
A Series of My Own

As I rush to the restroom with the feeling that the cabbage I had for dinner last night hated me as much as I hated the smell it left in the house, I manage to make it to the potty just in the nick of time. Without divulging too many details, let's just say it wasn't pretty. After about two minutes of what must have sounded to the outside world like a chorus of bullfrogs, jet engines, and hail falling from the sky into an open lake, I come to an awful realization... as I look to my right at the brown cardboard tube where a fluffy roll of white is supposed to be, I find myself in a state of horror as I frantically look around the room and there is no TP in sight ANYWHERE. Now, I have always been the kind of girl who could go camping and squat and pee at will and pretty much be able to shake it off... NEVER have I been the kind of girl who could 'shake off' a No. 2... so, now what? Fortunately (for my well being, not necessarily my ass), I was at work and there is always a roll of those nasty, rough brown paper towels in a dispenser above my head. As I finished up what can only be described as one of the most unpleasant wipes I've ever had, I began to think. I wondered how many times in my life I've been doing my business and found that there wasn't any toilet paper on the roll... how many times I've had to make the 'Waddle of Shame' to a cabinet to get more toilet paper... how many times the holder was empty and there was just an open roll sitting on the back of the toilet (or god forbid just sitting ON TOP of the empty roll)... how many times in my lifetime I've had to change an empty roll of toilet paper because the last scumbag to use the bathroom was too lazy to take 7 seconds out of their lives to do it. Right then I decided. I knew that everything and everyone in this world was somehow connected to toilet paper.

We all use it. We all need it. Some of us prefer it to be in the 'over' roll position, some 'under'. Some don't care if it is on the holder at all. My theory is that you can classify everyone you know by the way they handle the TP situation and that certain traits are common among those who share the same feelings on TP. I don't have any facts yet... just theories. And as the weeks continue, I hope to share with you some of my observations and hopefully draw a conclusion that shows how we are all cosmically connected to toilet paper.

ps. since my unfortunate incident, I have counted 8 times I have gone to use the restroom and the toilet paper roll was empty (I check that first now)